Mirrorball: Prepare to be shook in this futuristic, electro masterpiece. His Royal Hairiness’s latest creation is a light show spectacular plus he’s wearing a skin tight catsuit and looks like Britney Spears.

Augustus Gloop: In the original novel, Augustus is described as an enormously fat boy who has “fat bulging from every fold, with two greedy eyes peering out of his doughball of a body.” Couldn’t have put it better myself.

BASEBALL: Serving exploding glitter ball, SWV, and LED light realness! Plus my arse looks great in this jock strap.

MATADOR: Not just a Matador, Latex Matador. The biggest, most extravagant creation yet with capeography to make your pants wet. This one will have you sliding off your seats.

GLADIATOR: The lovechild of Khal Drago and Tamar Braxton will have your nether regions twitching for more as I take your genitals on a sensory journey from the Roman Empire to modern-day LA strip joints!

CHEERLEADER: Yet another ode to the Braxton Sisters. Did you know I’m an expert Hula Hooper and Pom Pom Pommer as well as being such a babe? No me either.

VIDEO PHONE: My homage to Queen Beyonce herself. Shit has got real with this act, I’m bringing out the big guns, literally, water pistols, arse-less chaps and not a dry pair of knickers in the room. “Epically Entertaining” – Burlesque Bible.

PUSSYCAT DOLLS: This one is fucking awesome, I dance like a mother fucker, sing like a slutty angel and then set fire to my balls, it’s what Bob Fosse only dreamed about creating.

JESSICA RABBIT: There are only 2 animals in burlesque, Jessica Rabbit and Dave The Bear. Fortunately for you, Jessica Rabbit is dead. I sing really good in this act, did I mention I have a record deal? This act is not suitable for those scared of glitter.

PIRATE: Arrrrrrrggggghhhhh me hearties! Lots of silliness, lots of sexiness and LOTS of water!

FANTASY: Remix of an act I developed for a television company to promote hairy men, on a TV show where I was brought on as a “hairy expert”. Introducing my alter-ego Mariah Beary and guaranteeing as always, plenty of boners!